Trauma

Today, I had an Aha moment when it comes to parenting Sweet Pea.  I told myself I would always take into consideration the past trauma while parenting these children.  It's so difficult when they are so young, and even more difficult when one is the same age as our own biological child.  This two year old that we have brought into our home sounds very mature when she speaks, and has a knowledge of certain things that you would not expect.  And yet, she has major trauma in her past. I don't know the full extent of her history, but I know that even one move to a new home with new parents, toys, clothes would be traumatizing. She has been broken down.  She has thought about things that a 2 year old should never have to think about.  Frequent moves may have caused her to wonder where she will sleep tonight, or if she will get to take her favorite pillow if she moves this time.  She may wonder who she will call "Mommy" tomorrow or if this mommy will come back from work today instead of abandoning her.  She may even wonder what will happen if this Daddy gets mad.  The things that may be going through her head are heartbreaking.  She has asked me multiple times every day if I'm coming back, even if I just walk into the other room.  Obviously, our Sweet Pea has trauma.  And her way of dealing with it is to try to get control in a world where she has none.

For me, this has been hard.  I mean, HARD.  I've lost my patience, I've cried, I've had some struggles in the area of bonding.  Today, as I stand back and look at this little girl from the trauma perspective, it hits me!  OF COURSE!!!!  For goodness sakes, I'm a therapist and I completely missed what's happening here.  Kids who are traumatized and have issues with attachment are often master manipulators so they can feel control.  These children often push buttons to push the caretaker to their limit.  They want to see if the parent is going to give up on them like others have in the past!  They want to know if the parent is going to hit them, neglect them, abandon them.  And when a parent does not do any of those things, they push harder just to test it.  They want control over when to show their emotions.  Oftentimes, they show emotion to other people much easier than they show them to their own parent.  The parent becomes the container for all of their emotions and hurts. 

Now, Sweet Pea does not have a severe attachment disorder that we know of, and she does not have big behaviors like many children with trauma pasts.  But the little things are starting to add up now, and it makes so much sense in this context.  So, if you see us treating Sweet Pea a little differently, please keep this in mind.  We are trying to show her that we will be here for her, and we will protect her as best we can.